lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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