you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
