I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.