Already got asked if we're dating
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night