it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
