there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
