im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
