We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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