I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
