well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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