my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
