Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
