Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
