I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The air taste purple.
Randomize
