i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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