I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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