Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
