You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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