I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
