I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
