my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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