i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
