How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
