She went from zero to smokin in five shots
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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