I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
