I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
