Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
