Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
