I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
