you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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