i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
