They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
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so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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