Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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