period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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