WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm like, not good at living.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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