I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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