Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
