At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
