I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
