tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
