i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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