Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
