There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
