Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
