She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
