We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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