I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
