Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
