I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I yelled at your uterus for you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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