why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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