You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
