You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
