just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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