What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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