so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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