Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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