remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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